Outta Control









The national conversation has been centered on a very important, albeit familiar issue over the past few weeks.  That’s right, I’m going there.  If there’s one thing I’ve learned as a comedy writer, it’s that you have to be fearless.  So, here goes:

Lance Armstrong shouldn’t have been doping.  I know some of you are thinking I’m being too bold putting it so plainly, but there it is.  I said it.

On a totally unrelated topic, I’ve noticed quite a few people talking about gun control as of late.  At first I thought I was being transported back into the early nineties  when the issue was such a hot topic and the only other thing Congress was arguing about was how to spend the budget surplus.  Unfortunately, it turns out I was merely suffering from a mild case of Déjà vu and the familiar debate is where the similarities of that time period end.

Ever the inquisitive type, I decided to reach across to both sides of this divisive issue to hear the logical, reasonable, well-intentioned arguments for and against this evil/godsend called gun control.  Now, I’m not the most enlightened person.  I don’t know the names of all the Kardashians.  I tend to skip the gossip column each week.  Heck, I didn’t even watch Monday Night Football once this year.   So you’ll have to forgive my ignorance of current events.  Because of my obvious lack of knowledge when it comes to anything important I’m afraid I’ll have to take the talking heads at their word.  Assuming both sides were being completely honest and forthcoming, here are a few things I’ve learned regarding the gun debate:

  • If all guns were illegal then they would never be in the wrong hands, just like drugs.
  • If a soldier runs out of ammo in the line of fire it’s no problem because a knife can do just as much damage.
  • If the victims of all these tragic shootings had tried a little diplomacy for once the situation never would have escalated to that point.
  • If I carry a gun on me, I will be rubber and you will be glue, and the bullet you shoot  will bounce off of me and stick to you.
  • If violent video games and movies weren’t so popular, mental illness wouldn’t exist in this country.
  • There’s no point in limiting the number of rounds in a clip since reloading is such a breeze.  However, if you are limited to 7 rounds in a clip in a self-defense situation, you will probably die.
  • Wood stock hunting rifles are far less dangerous than black polymer scary looking rifles of the same size, make, and caliber.
  • If it’s a “legitimate” shooting, your body has ways of shutting that down.

Luckily people on both sides of this debate seem to be keeping a level head and minimizing their emotional responses.  It is rare to hear someone spouting out unfounded facts or cursing the person on the other side of the aisle over a simple disagreement.  Nobody is overreacting in paranoia and preparing for a government takeover.  I’m pretty sure everyone agrees that with the right kind of regulation these senseless tragedies are entirely avoidable just like terrorist attacks, getting a cold, mixing the colors with the whites, stubbing your toe, and other problems that we have already resolved in this country.  So let’s keep this productive, respectful, open-minded debate going on the airwaves, on Facebook, in the break room, and over the dinner table.  I think we’re getting somewhere.



2012: A Year In Review

Disappointed by a recent e-mail from WordPress reminding me of the success of all two blog posts I wrote in 2012, I suppose my New Years resolution should include some sort of commitment to writing new material for all six of my ardent followers.  On a good note, supposedly my blog was read over 1,700 times in 2012.  I would like to believe that that figure means each one of you was so enamored by my words that you logged on over 283 times each to read and re-read my glorious prose.  Unfortunately, my gut tells me that 1,695 of these views were probably my mother.  Upon further investigation, however, it was revealed that many of those readers were complete strangers spread across 84 countries who, no doubt, mistakenly clicked on my blog after a failed Google search for something entirely unrelated.  Thanks anyway, Mom.

The stats that WordPress provided, however depressing, were quite intriguing.  Besides telling me how many trips a Boeing 787 Dreamliner would have to take (7 trips in all) in order to fit all of the people who read my blog last year, the site was also able to separate my readers by region, how they found me, and which other blogs had cited/recommended my blog over the course of last year.  After racking my brain as to why WordPress would put the number of people who visited my blog in terms of a passenger jet’s capacity (is that a relatable reference for most?) I decided to dig further in to the creatures that are my fans.

Congratulations to all the brilliant American citizens who make up the large majority of my readers. I’d also like to thank the British and Brazilians for not being far behind when it came to understanding my sharp wit.  I suddenly feel a little guilty and entirely inadequate when it comes to my knowledge of Brazil beyond the superiority of their famed football players (that’s soccer to you American readers).  Must learn more about Brazilian culture and their love of biting comedy.  Who knew?  Unfortunately, Canada came in fourth place.  Of course, this is a country with very high comic standards as it has churned out many top comedians in recent history (Jim Carey, John Candy, Seth Rogen, Mike Meyers, and Lorne Michaels himself).  It appears I still have a lot of work to do.

Next I would like to thank my top referring sites.  Firstly, the site whose web address I didn’t recognize so I clicked on it out of curiosity: thanks so much for the support.  Although I did not stick around long enough to find out if you were in fact some sort of website that practiced the art of crude erotica, I am grateful for your referral.  I am confident that your site gets much more traffic than mine and the small chance that one of your customers decides to click on my web address for a quick change of pace gives me great pleasure.  Secondly, to both of the health insurance websites that somehow found my blog posting on the Healthcare Reform Act applicable: I thank you.  Even if my post was meant to put you out of business due to your severe incompetence, I believe your sudden change in stance or massive oversight (whatever it was that made you think my blog post was a good influence on anyone looking to buy private health insurance) is an excellent first step in the many it will take to redeem yourselves.

So once again, thank you all.  Thank you to the people who accidentally read my blog post on Northwest Nerds when searching Google for “man with glasses.”  Thank you to the one person in Libya who was brave enough to read an American humorist’s blog last year (I’m looking at you Syria).  Thank you Vietnam, Thailand, and Japan for logging on.  China, you are welcome anytime you lift some of those Internet restrictions.  Until then, screw you and free Tibet!  Seriously, though I thank all that have haplessly stumbled upon my blog, even if you didn’t stop to read it.  In the words of my most dedicated followers:

Goodbye, cheers, and tchau, eh?