The national conversation has been centered on a very important, albeit familiar issue over the past few weeks. That’s right, I’m going there. If there’s one thing I’ve learned as a comedy writer, it’s that you have to be fearless. So, here goes:
Lance Armstrong shouldn’t have been doping. I know some of you are thinking I’m being too bold putting it so plainly, but there it is. I said it.
On a totally unrelated topic, I’ve noticed quite a few people talking about gun control as of late. At first I thought I was being transported back into the early nineties when the issue was such a hot topic and the only other thing Congress was arguing about was how to spend the budget surplus. Unfortunately, it turns out I was merely suffering from a mild case of Déjà vu and the familiar debate is where the similarities of that time period end.
Ever the inquisitive type, I decided to reach across to both sides of this divisive issue to hear the logical, reasonable, well-intentioned arguments for and against this evil/godsend called gun control. Now, I’m not the most enlightened person. I don’t know the names of all the Kardashians. I tend to skip the gossip column each week. Heck, I didn’t even watch Monday Night Football once this year. So you’ll have to forgive my ignorance of current events. Because of my obvious lack of knowledge when it comes to anything important I’m afraid I’ll have to take the talking heads at their word. Assuming both sides were being completely honest and forthcoming, here are a few things I’ve learned regarding the gun debate:
- If all guns were illegal then they would never be in the wrong hands, just like drugs.
- If a soldier runs out of ammo in the line of fire it’s no problem because a knife can do just as much damage.
- If the victims of all these tragic shootings had tried a little diplomacy for once the situation never would have escalated to that point.
- If I carry a gun on me, I will be rubber and you will be glue, and the bullet you shoot will bounce off of me and stick to you.
- If violent video games and movies weren’t so popular, mental illness wouldn’t exist in this country.
- There’s no point in limiting the number of rounds in a clip since reloading is such a breeze. However, if you are limited to 7 rounds in a clip in a self-defense situation, you will probably die.
- Wood stock hunting rifles are far less dangerous than black polymer scary looking rifles of the same size, make, and caliber.
- If it’s a “legitimate” shooting, your body has ways of shutting that down.
Luckily people on both sides of this debate seem to be keeping a level head and minimizing their emotional responses. It is rare to hear someone spouting out unfounded facts or cursing the person on the other side of the aisle over a simple disagreement. Nobody is overreacting in paranoia and preparing for a government takeover. I’m pretty sure everyone agrees that with the right kind of regulation these senseless tragedies are entirely avoidable just like terrorist attacks, getting a cold, mixing the colors with the whites, stubbing your toe, and other problems that we have already resolved in this country. So let’s keep this productive, respectful, open-minded debate going on the airwaves, on Facebook, in the break room, and over the dinner table. I think we’re getting somewhere.