My favorite quotes are those that are taken out of context. The lack of explanation just makes them that much more fun with the right kind of imagination. Consider the conversation below between two men over lunch (this is an actual conversation between two sources that prefer to remain unnamed):
Man #1: “Every time we go to Dick’s Sporting Goods we always find such awesome sales!”
Man #2:“Dude, I love Dick’s.”
Now imagine an innocent passerby’s reaction to Man# 2’s statement without the background story involving a sporting goods store. Instantly hilarious!
This has prompted me to come up with some statements to loudly announce while having a conversation in public if only to entertain the strangers who are inadvertently listening in on your private chat. A few pieces of advice before you embark on this courageous adventure:
- Make sure the person you are speaking to is in on the trick so as not to lose a friend due to your apparent insanity.
- When delivering the line that is to be taken out of context, speak in a clear and confident voice so there is no confusion for the poor strangers listening.
- Be prepared to meet an ultra-serious, angry pedestrian ready to lecture you on something that is none of his/her business. Always have a trove of harmless stories to back up the offensive statement so as to make this person look like an eavesdropping ass.
Things to say in public when you want to turn heads:
“I was actually starting to enjoy the bra until it started tugging on my chest hair.”
“Like I said I usually have a strict policy on not hurting children, but in this case I think it was justified.”
“Well he’s only my brother by marriage so it turns out it’s totally legal!”
“I never did find out what happened to that gerbil…”
“If you want, my cousin Frankie can make him disappear. He knows a guy.”
Any one of these gems is guaranteed to grant you at least a second look, if not a glare down. Therefore, the surgeon general has requested that I issue this warning:
“PLEASE SPEAK RESPONSIBLY. DISTASTEFUL STATEMENTS OVERHEARD OUT OF CONTEXT MAY CAUSE THREATENING, VILOENT REACTIONS FROM HOTHEADED IDIOTS. “