Public Speaking

My favorite quotes are those that are taken out of context.  The lack of explanation just makes them that much more fun with the right kind of imagination.  Consider the conversation below between two men over lunch (this is an actual conversation between two sources that prefer to remain unnamed):

Man #1: “Every time we go to Dick’s Sporting Goods we always find such awesome sales!”

Man #2:“Dude, I love Dick’s.”

Now imagine an innocent passerby’s reaction to Man# 2’s statement without the background story involving a sporting goods store.  Instantly hilarious!

This has prompted me to come up with some statements to loudly announce while having a conversation in public if only to entertain the strangers who are inadvertently listening in on your private chat.   A few pieces of advice before you embark on this courageous adventure:

  • Make sure the person you are speaking to is in on the trick so as not to lose a friend due to your apparent insanity.
  • When delivering the line that is to be taken out of context, speak in a clear and confident voice so there is no confusion for the poor strangers listening.
  • Be prepared to meet an ultra-serious, angry pedestrian ready to lecture you on something that is none of his/her business.  Always have a trove of harmless stories to back up the offensive statement so as to make this person look like an eavesdropping ass.

Things to say in public when you want to turn heads:

“I was actually starting to enjoy the bra until it started tugging on my chest hair.”

“Like I said I usually have a strict policy on not hurting children, but in this case I think it was justified.”

“Well he’s only my brother by marriage so it turns out it’s totally legal!”

“I never did find out what happened to that gerbil…”

“If you want, my cousin Frankie can make him disappear.  He knows a guy.”

Any one of these gems is guaranteed to grant you at least a second look, if not a glare down.  Therefore, the surgeon general has requested that I issue this warning:


Living in a Gamer’s Paradise

Hi, my name is Jordan, and I am a female gamer.  It has been 12 hours since my last gaming session.  Please refrain from taking my picture or staring at me like a caged animal.  I do understand that I am a rare breed, but all of that extra attention is just unnecessary.

My gaming days started when I was quite young.  My parents had just gotten a divorce and there was a new man in my mother’s life.  This new guy owned an original Nintendo gaming system complete with Duck Hunt.  Needless to say he had my approval.

Over the years I became quite the connoisseur of video games from every system imaginable.  I was awesome at Sonic the Hedgehog and NBA Jam on the Sega Genesis.  I kicked butt at Double Dragon and Street Fighter on Super Nintendo.  I ruled at Goldeneye and Mariokart on the N64.  I played endless hours of Driver on the original Playstation before discovering the iconic Grand Theft Auto and Madden on the PS2.  But, my introduction to Microsoft’s Xbox system didn’t come until I met my husband.

He was already impressed with me when I gladly entered into a game of NFL Blitz on the N64 with him and his friend on our first date.  I had just beat both of them at a friendly hand of Texas Hold ‘em and was quickly becoming “one of the guys.”  This was clear to me when I was invited to one of their weekly Halo parties.  I was the first girl to make the group and it was painfully obvious that they weren’t used to having such fine company.  I could see they were more than a little embarrassed by all of the hurled insults, homosexual accusations, and inappropriate movie quotes that would normally not be shouted with a lady in the room.  Within the hour, however, I shocked them all with my expansive knowledge of Adam Sandler films, my genuine interest in the Halo game, and my quick acceptance of the routine flatulence.  Pretty soon our weekly parties became much more frequent, often lasting until the wee hours of the morning.  I had successfully achieved “awesome girlfriend” status.

To me this was a double blessing.  Not only was I able to enjoy playing video games I loved, but I was adored for it.  My husband (boyfriend at the time) looked at me as if he had found the Holy Grail.  A chick with boobs that likes to play video games?  Marry me! (I did).  Quickly, I became quite the trophy and earned him some bragging rights with the other guys.

So, I guess my message to all you women out there is give it a shot.  You might actually enjoy it.  Especially if you find that you can add it to your list of stuff that you do better than your significant other.  If you don’t enjoy it, you will find that you will be rewarded for trying.  Your man will be so enamored with you as he watches you try your hand at Call of Duty that he will turn to mush and welcome your every command.

Unfortunately, I’ve overused my talent.  My husband already knows how much I enjoy videogames (sometimes more than him).  However, anytime we’re in a group of couples and my husband mentions how his wife is addicted to Black Ops, the looks of shock and envy make him smile.  He’ll look at me, remember how lucky he is, and then proceed to give me whatever I want.  I love this game.

An Ode to the Local News

Unlike most Americans, I wasn’t glued to my television screen last night as a final escape before starting my workweek.  In fact, I don’t even have cable.  My TV picks up about 6 local stations that I use for my weekly fix of “The Office” and “30 Rock.”  Beyond that, the damned thing is useless.  I just can’t stand all of the mind-numbing (or brainwashing) advertisements, the countless reality shows that make me question whether or not murder should be legal, and the constant squabbling of sportscasters and political analysts that believe shouting strengthens the validity of an argument.

So, unlike most Americans, I hadn’t heard the news about the death of a certain someone who had a $25 million bounty on his head until this morning.  To my dismay, I had to hear about it on the local news.

There are few predictable moments in my life when I become visibly irritated.  It comes out in me every time I enter a theme park (something about the three hour lines and children’s vomit doesn’t sit well with me), whenever I hear a beeping noise resembling that of an alarm clock (my blood pressure literally skyrockets) and every morning that I attempt to watch the local news with my husband.

As someone who once considered a career in journalism, I cringe at the thought of these news anchors graduating from college with idealistic views about reporting on the world’s disasters and triumphs only to give a second-by-second traffic report.  One particular local news station here in Seattle relishes in their lack of investigative journalism by boasting the following slogan, “Weather and traffic every ten minutes!”  Are you kidding me?  You’re actually proud of the fact that if I were to tune in to your station to satisfy my need for expert reporting on topical current events it will be constantly interrupted by the same damn weather and traffic report you just showed me ten minutes ago?

A typical newscast on these local stations includes a three minute segment on the latest local pet that died, an image of a suspected rapist and serial killer that will be displayed for less than 0.5 seconds, six minutes of the weatherman coming up with some inventive words for rainy (such famed terms include soggy and squelchy), and then a thirteen minute commercial break.  My frustration should be evident by now.

This morning, however, the news anchors finally got to report the story of a lifetime.  The terrorist who ranked #1 on the list of America’s Most Wanted, Osama bin Laden himself, had been killed by American forces last night and the whole world was washed over in relief.  You could see the glimmer in the eye of the lucky correspondent who got to deliver the news:

“In a speech addressing the entire nation last night, President Obama confirmed that Osama bin Laden has been killed.”

I couldn’t believe my ears.  Not only because the man who had avoided capture for over ten years had finally been put to rest, but also because the local news finally satisfied my thirst for information with a worthy report.   True to form, the next sentence to come out of the local reporter’s mouth was:

“Now back to the studio for the weather and traffic update on this muggy Monday morning.”